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To our valued customers, we regret having to inform you that many unique items recently acquired by our Material Substance Appreciator are temporarily unavailable due to a burglary at our distribution center. Even with a newly installed “Wrongdoing Forecast System” and other high-tech apotropaic devices, the perpetrators of this heinous crime were able to scale the walls wearing super adhesive Geckskin suits and subdue our security guard with a combination of Phase 3 Kpingas and a decidedly diabolical cathexis. (Note: our fellow employee is currently recovering in the mysterious coloration of a sanctuary in the Black City of the Xemonian clouds, and we expect full anamnesis.)

Among the more valuable items stolen (along with an undisclosed number of fast silver light tabs) was a prized coupon in which PETA members get a free sidekicker at Arby’s on Wednesdays with the purchase of a bacon cheddar roastburger. Due to high popularity, this offer expired quickly (You gotta love that chargrilled seasoning!). Also taken, was a fully restored 1981 “POLYBIUS” arcade game by Sinnesloschen and a rare Matchbox/Lesney Dodge BP Wrecker with reverse colors that was unearthed from a gulch in Deadwood, South Dakota by the use of a beginner’s model metal detector.


The following list contains the rest of the items that are currently on back order:

1) A genuine “Eagle River” Joe Simonton intergalactic cookie crumb (guaranteed to contain no trace of sodium).

2)“Doomsday Prepper’s Best” freeze-died Polliwog Stew.

3) Post-Tribulation “Cloaconimbus” air-freshener spray.

4) Staggering silliness of wind-up furry Voles in sequined turtleneck tops (recommended for adults age 96 or over).

5) Fierce Greenhouse Effect Snow Cones (No returns!).

6) Singing Walnuts.

7) “Where’s Waldo’s Doppelganger” spread illustration.

8) Unopened box of “Ominous Sentiments” Hallmark greeting cards.

9) Sepia photograph of a weaponless Civil War ghost army.

10) Authentic Lemurian mullet-wig.

11) Clump of Vimana (UFO) magnetized feathers.

12) A futuristic door that doesn’t reveal itself.

13) Dead Pet Rocks (50% off the list price).

14) Glossy panorama of “A Broken Plow in an Empty Field”.

15) A drop of English Channel water (sample) from the 1944 Glenn Miller Airplane crash. (Comes with a Certificate of Authenticity).

16) Unlabeled can of Enochian Alphabet soup.

17) Decorative box of Endangered Animal Crackers.

18) A reel of film containing dramatic footage of an actual flash flood in a Fizzy factory.


The… abecedarian crooks (who when caught will be subjected to repeated screenings of a VHS documentary about the “Distribution, Properties and Uses of Wild Celery”) were unable to open our impenetrable “Treasuria” vault (the most secure repository box outside the Apocatastasis-Grid, where we keep, among other things, all of our “golden mubble”) during the brazen heist, and, therefore, we still have a LIMITED NUMBER of superior quality “LUCIFUGE ROFOCALE” tee shirts AVAILABLE FOR SALE.


As it appears in the notorious book of spirit conjurations entitled “LE DRAGON ROUGE/GRAND GRIMOIRE, the “LUCIFUGE” (tee-shirt) design represents the “Afflicted Mirror” concept, whereby ugliness or a distorted appearance serves as a signal meant to attract the attention of those interested in hidden otherworldly presences and our trans-human potential. While most people are far more comfortable with depictions of the normal (unblemished) physical form, ceremonial magicians are preoccupied by the impressions of alien otherness and transformative qualities esoterically associated with exaggerated deformity. Now, try explaining this to anyone who asks you about the misshapen figure on your LUCIFUGE tee shirt. $25.00